Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Don’t make me out nice you.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.