Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Saw your ex at the shops

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.