[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
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our love story in four pictures
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.