[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence