Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
☠️☠️☠️
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.