Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome