@OMGSoOverIt

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@nowme_datta

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@magicraisin

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”