@OMGSoOverIt
@KalvinMacleod
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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@KalvinMacleod
@thedad
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
@TheAlexNevil
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
@ThunderMoni16
Me :
All Day At Night
@nowme_datta
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
@trumpetcake
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
@HatfieldAnne
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
@kiralc
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
@magicraisin
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”