Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
What the hell happened in there??
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
how to have fun when you’re poor
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Mhm.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.