WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
All Day At Night
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”