Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.