Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m sure it’s fine.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.