@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

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@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@timdonakowski

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@ScratchPaper8

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.