@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

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@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@ashleyaustrew

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.

@Ygrene

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

@Browtweaten

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

@BunAndLeggings

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

@imskytrash

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time