[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
We all have our pet causes.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
🏙👨🏼
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.