before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Animal poetry
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack