before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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Only a mother’s love …
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
he’s doing your taxes
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me