Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
This makes total sense…
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
this came to me in a vision
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
He wanted to make sure😂
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”