Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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…u ok Nintendo?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Got him!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A double negative is a big no-no.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.