Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born