Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The honesty is refreshing
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!