Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.


Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.


My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now


Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.


Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’


Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever


Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds