[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.