@itsallbollocks

Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch

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@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@ItsAndyRyan

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

@MrAdamBez

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.

@Gupton68

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

@Taryn_

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.