As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Oh, I bet you would be
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.