[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”