[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Cake safety first. Always.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Brands during Pride
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Saint West, the patron of selfies
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Not all heroes wear capes….
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women