[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
the saddest jazz hands ever
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.