Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now