Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Meow?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Grandmother clock.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room