Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]


Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.


Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student


Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.


Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam


The only thing louder than a child denied cake is a child that was given the smaller piece


My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’