Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.


Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.


*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*


Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.


No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.


Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?



“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”


Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.