@MumInBits

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

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@KateWhineHall

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

@iGreenGod

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

@MrAlexisPereira

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

@happymilly1

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

@SortaBad

Every time I’m at a friend’s house I look at the ceiling & say “You like to watch, don’t you..” so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam

@SamNonTheWiser

The only thing louder than a child denied cake is a child that was given the smaller piece

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@Gupton68

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’