“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
You Might Also Like
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I think this should do it.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.