@HepatitisAtoZ

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

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@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.

@Aspersioncast

If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.

@AbbieEvansXO

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing