Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
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ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
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OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing