@PanicRestroom: Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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@ayyyyloser: How to handle a one night stand the next morning: 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it
@SuperApple80: Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much? Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.
@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.