Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

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Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science


[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup


Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him


god: we need some ideas for sharks

angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks

god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?

angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark

god: dammit does anyone have anything original

angel that hates nails: i have an idea


I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?


Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty


A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”


cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold


My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed