“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
god: we need some ideas for sharks
angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks
god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?
angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark
god: dammit does anyone have anything original
angel that hates nails: i have an idea
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed