Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat