Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.