@Mindless4Miles

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

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@BoobsRadley

“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.

@samalmightysam

God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be

@david8hughes

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

@EJGomez

one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”

@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@MrTimothyClark

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

@Browtweaten

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room