I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Stupid cats, can’t even YOLO
ME: Get in line, buddy.
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.