@Mindless4Miles

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

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@VeryBadLlama

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

@GrantTanaka

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

@ohthatbadger

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@ellewasamistake

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

@robin_991

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.