Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

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Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.


I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.


God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long


C:how long God


My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.


Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.


20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted


im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*


Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.