@booyahchadly

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

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@AndrewNadeau0

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

@3sunzzz

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@curlycomedy

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

@Shen_the_Bird

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@TheHatStore

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day