*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: can you close the door
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day