@booyahchadly

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

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@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

@AnnietheNanny1

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@UncleDuke1969

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@Leemanish

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.