Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
smartest karate player in the world
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.