I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet