Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Ok but actually
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?