@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

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@CantWaitToNap

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

@david8hughes

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@jaxwax04

In episode #394 of “Toddler or Drunk?”

– wanted to pee on the floor

– cried because he wasn’t allowed to pee on the floor

– insisted he didn’t have to pee when offered a toilet

– irrationally angry because he did, in fact, need to pee and it happened in a toilet

@Dwarven_Cleric

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@RunOldMan

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

@chuuew

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.