[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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Monday?
No. Next question.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?