[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”


[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now


Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


In episode #394 of “Toddler or Drunk?”

– wanted to pee on the floor

– cried because he wasn’t allowed to pee on the floor

– insisted he didn’t have to pee when offered a toilet

– irrationally angry because he did, in fact, need to pee and it happened in a toilet


People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.


One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.


[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic


To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.