[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving