@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

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@Proxic0n

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@BlindChow

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

@EasilyTempted

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@TheOnion

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@thedad

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

@ComedyCentral

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers