SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
GOD: to absolve man of sin
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers