[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away