Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
all that yoga finally paid off
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup