Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Chicago sounds lovely.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.