Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”