Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi