Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“you recording!?”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying