NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m sorry…what?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Science memes
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9