Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Breaking news:
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive