[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…