Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..