[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.