Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried