@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

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@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@SugarMagicSpice

I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.

@EBenita0517

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@AmericanGent69

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

@LuvPug

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

@Parentpains

“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

@TattleTSister

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.