Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.


I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.


When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.


One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.


The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.


it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager


Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.


Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please


“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.


I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.