@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

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@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

@ellle_em

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

@MelvinofYork

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@NewDadNotes

Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@mattZillaaaa

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.