before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
scares
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?