Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves


[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.


To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?


date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist


*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.


Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine


Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old


If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.